JATB Newswire
First Chinese Brother Gulps Down Gulf Disaster
8 June 2010
Venice, LA—The Deepwater Horizon oil spill reached a sudden and surprising end on Tuesday with the help of a folk hero. Following the suggestion of a small-town librarian, multinational BP enlisted the First Chinese Brother to rescue the energy company and the South from the United States’ worst-ever environmental catastrophe. The First Chinese Brother, able to swallow the sea, instead siphoned the oil gusher dry, marking a quick finish to the seven-week spill.
Bethola Neemens, the librarian of Plaquemines Parish Library in nearby Buras, was the one to proffer this unorthodox solution. She had been reading Claire Huchet Bishop’s 1938 book The Five Chinese Brothers to a group of schoolchildren when her eyes fell upon the illustration of the First Chinese Brother swallowing the sea. If he could hold in the sea, she thought, why not the unyielding Deepwater Horizon gusher?
BP’s top brass wasted no time in acting on her tip and arranging the transport of all the Chinese Brothers to the Gulf of Mexico. When they arrived midday Tuesday, they were all business. BP scientists conducted a briefing on the situation, including the wellhead’s nearly 5,000-foot depth, then the First Chinese Brother selected the Third Brother, who could stretch and stretch his legs, and the Fifth Brother, who could hold his breath indefinitely, to go with him to the site of the gusher. There, the Third Brother lowered his two companions to the ocean floor as he extended his legs, and the Fifth Brother provided support as the First Brother positioned himself over the bursting well.
A tense moment came six minutes into the operation when a shark bit the Third Brother on the calf. He yelled, but refused to retract his legs for medical attention, and the operation marched on. After eight more minutes, the Third Brother received a pinch on his ankle and brought up his companions. The 30,000-foot well was dry. BP and government officials celebrated with the Third and Fifth Brothers as the First Brother emptied the contents of his mouth into four waiting ultra-large crude carriers, each capable of holding two million barrels of oil. He filled three completely and half of the fourth before running empty.
Locally and nationally, gratitude gushed for the Chinese Brothers. BP’s chief executive Tony Hayward, who had been on site, called the moment “surreal and breathtaking,” and from Washington President Obama expressed his “delight” that such “an elegant and permanent solution” had finally been found. He further announced that he would bestow the Presidential Citizens Medal upon Neemens, the librarian, and that he intended to proclaim the Chinese Brothers Honorary Citizens of the United States for their “imagination and valor.” Other Honorary Citizens include Sir Winston Churchill and Mother Teresa.
Around the gulf, people were thankful, but mostly relieved to see the oil spill finally coming to a close. “The clean-up will still take months, maybe even years,” said Gig Yuttles, a shrimper from Venice, a town of 3,000 along the Mississippi. “But at least the sea has stopped spewing. Thanks be to God and the Chinese Brothers, that sea has stopped spewing.”◊
Broadway Agog for Empathy: Fifth-Graders Sell Out “I Feel”
23 May 2010
New York—The spring play is an annual ritual at many elementary schools, where the fifth-grade class presents a feel-good performance for schoolmates and family members. Invariably, it is an in-house production and meant to stir students’ imagination and creativity. But one homeroom teacher from Le Mars, Iowa, has hit upon something much bigger. Her play “I Feel Sad When You Hit Me” debuted on Broadway Saturday night to rave reviews, and shows are sold out for the next three weeks.
This Midwestern musical is the offspring of long-time fifth-grade teacher Ms. Jane Jimson of McKinley Elementary School. Through songs such as “Understand Your Interlocutor” and “Six-Inch Voices” the play tells the story of bespectacled and diminutive Jesse Gibbs and his struggles with bully R.B. Buck. It is showing at the acclaimed Gershwin Theater.
Before a crowd of reporters in Central Park, Ms. Jimson recounted having come up with the idea for her play after observing a unique playground skirmish. The fight ended after a single punch, she said, “when the victimized student used a perfect ‘I feel’ statement to express his grief at having been sucker-punched in the kidney.” Inspired by this real-life application of the school’s teachings on empathy, Ms. Jimson penned her play in the span of two weeks.
The big break for this troupe of tykes arrived on opening night in the McKinley Elementary gym in the form of local theater critic Gilbert Johns, parent of fifth-grader Benjamin. He wrote a lionizing review for the Le Mars paper, noting the “tremendous je ne sais quoi” of the piece, and Broadway’s drama scouts were quick to catch the scent. Within a month, Ms. Jimson and her neophytes were on stage at the Gershwin.
“I’m just super proud of how my students have taken this project upon themselves and created something so special,” Ms. Jimson said. She took a bite of her red delicious apple, chewed, swallowed, and went on. “And what truly pleases me is that now we can take our message of empathy and the ‘I feel’ statement to the national level.”
“I Feel Sad When You Hit Me” is currently slated for a two-month run. Tickets range from $1-$2.25, and Lindsay Ross’s mother’s homemade cookies are on sale before the show and during intermission, three for a dollar.◊
Tunnel-vision Brown's Ticket Back to Number 10
13 May 2010
London—Doubts surrounding outgoing British Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s demission seemed to have disappeared Tuesday, when he presented his resignation to the queen. Given the opposition Conservative Party’s failure to secure a parliamentary majority, many had suspected that the labourite leader might take extraordinary action to maintain his post. In the end, these speculators were right: Mr. Brown was discovered in St. James’s Park early Thursday equipped with a helmet lamp, pickaxe, and shovel, apparently trying to tunnel home.
St. James’s is adjacent to 10 Downing Street, seat of the prime minister, and Mr. Brown, dressed in a suit and tie, looked ready to resume his duties immediately. He was alone when Sgt. Henry Johns discovered the plowing politico at 1:55 am, hard at work a meter below ground in the northeast corner of the park. According to a statement by Sgt. Johns, Mr. Brown could be heard singing as he shoveled. “It sounded to me like a Peter Gabriel song, one of those odd experimental things he did,” said Johns. “Prime Minister Brown was singing something about finding the places he got hurt.”
Number 10 had been home for Mr. Brown for less than three years, with him assuming the post after Tony Blair’s resignation in 2007. Given Mr. Blair’s full decade on the job, it seems that Mr. Brown felt a sense of unfinished business.
“After I tendered my resignation to the queen, I immediately knew I had made a mistake,” Mr. Brown said as he brushed dirt off his trousers outside the police station on Birdcage Walk. “I could still raise maternity pay another three percent, I’m sure I could. I could make things right if I could just get back through that chuffing black door.”
The famous front door of 10 Downing would seem closed to Mr. Brown for the foreseeable future, however. His Conservative and Liberal-Democrat homologues have reached an accord for a coalition government, and Mr. Brown now faces a court summons for vandalizing royal park grounds.
“I’ve been beaten back again, but I shan't go quietly into the night,” Brown said in response to a question about his future. “I’ll have my day in court, then I’ll be back to St. James’s to sit outside Duck Island Cottage and reflect. I will find my way back into Number 10, and I will do more great things for this country.”◊
Icelandic Government Set to Inaugurate "Ash Wednesday"
10 May 2010
Reykjavik—Iceland is not going to let a little ash ruin its fun. In fact, as the Eyjafjallajökull ice cap continues to spew nearly a month after initial eruptions grounded much of Europe, the country is set to capitalize on Mother Nature's misdeeds with a series of Ash Wednesdays.
Originally a Christian holy day that marks the first day of Lent, Ash Wednesday has been reimagined by Iceland Prime Minister Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir to champion the merits of the globalized world's least-favorite powdery residue. Beginning on May 12, each Wednesday through June will feature ashen television specials, exhibitions, symposiums, and giveaways.
Details remain scarce surrounding this week's inaugural Ash Wednesday, but sources within Prime Minister Sigurðardóttir's cabinet indicate that many of the festivities will take place in the capital's Ingólfstorg Square. Each visitor is to receive a complimentary canister of authentic Eyjafjallajökull ash, and activities will likely include ash sculpting and camoflauging with ash. The latter, according to Foreign Affairs Minister Össur Skarphéðinsson, is aimed at Icelandic citizens who wish to travel abroad during this prickly period.◊
Salad Revenues Are Dressing for Greek Wounds
by Chip Butler
Relief has come for Greek balance sheets, and it has nothing to do with budget cuts: the Western world has gone gaga over Greek salad. Eight years after smash hit My Big Fat Greek Wedding boosted international sales of Greek olives and honey, a sudden uptick in feta sales has the country looking up and its cheese producers working around the clock.
Feta is the star ingredient of Greek salad (horiatiki), an amalgam that includes tomato, cucumber, red onion, kalamata olives and green pepper. Abroad, the dish is especially popular in the United States, where lettuce is usually added, but has found a place on menus across the world: as Bauernsalat in Germany, as salade à la Grecque in France, as görög saláta in Hungary, and as ensalada griega in Spain. Each of these countries has reported feta sales increases of at least 12% across the last six months—almost exactly the level of Greek debt in the 2009 budget cycle. … (continued here)
Lehman Launches the Gonzo Card
by Michele Serra for L’espresso, 24 sept. 2009 (see original article here)
translated by Chris Bradley and reprinted without permission
Genoa—The financial crisis officially ended in Italy yesterday at 11:23 a.m. when laid-off worker Mario Rossi purchased a Multiplex Photonic Hg400 cell phone. The phone, which has a six-row keypad, is capable of making calls by itself, connecting with NASA, conducting stock-market trades and roasting peanuts.
Thanks to the €450 Mario Rossi deposited in the register of Genoese hotspot Solo Belinate, an end-of-crisis bash broke out across the nation. Rossi, incredulous but happy, found himself surrounded by hundreds of television cameras and an applauding crowd. Finance minister Giulio Tremonti tried to call Rossi in person, but the latter was too busy pushing the peanut-roasting button to pick up. Rossi will be decorated with the Gold Medal of Civil Valor and, when the moment comes, will receive a state funeral. … (continued here)
Pink Sheets a Remedy for Pink Slips?
by Chaz Bähn
New York—The past months have brought good news from many sectors of the nation’s economy. Home sales were up 9.6 percent in July, unemployment fell to 9.4 percent, and auto sales jumped by 700,000 thanks to the federal Car Allowance Rebate System (CARS). The stock market has proven especially strong of late, surging 40% above the year’s low. As the economy shows signs of turning around, the 14.5 million people still without work are loathe to miss the upswing.
Shares of monoliths like McDonalds and Coca-Cola have remained steady during the recession and promise future growth, but few among the unemployed can afford these fifty-dollar stocks. Instead, people are turning from Wall Street to Wall Alley and the little-known Pink Sheets. … (continued here)
Obama Scuttles NASCAR Over Emissions Concerns
Superstar Tony Stewart is driving away with the 2009 NASCAR season, having earned three victories and 18 top-ten finishes so far. But a presidential decree will prevent Stewart from raising the Sprint Cup trophy at season’s end.
Effective immediately, Pres. Barack Obama has issued an executive order banning all operations of the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing, citing environmental concerns. The ban will be lifted only when the sport’s governors establish “empathically rigorous” emissions standards for its stock cars. … (continued here)